Let’s Start From The End

March 26 - Lit Finals.

The room was small, hot and full unlike the coolest classroom in CTC where we held (most) of our English and Lit classes during the second semester. The test was hard and it blew my brains into smithereens. Some blockmates finished early, REALLY early. Some of them were stuck staring blankly on the test questionnaire and trying to figure how to answer question number 3. Two hours went by so fast and suddenly I realized that the room is almost half-empty. Some of my blockmates  were no longer there. No goodbyes, no goodlucks no “see you around’s.” Kinda sad if you think about it. Hey! Two sems together is not something to be neglected. It’s actually pretty big considering that those two sems were the first two sems of college life. So R49 was no more without proper “acknowledgements.” But based on the two sems that I was part of R49, I realized that that is how we roll! (How we rolled)

R49 is a weird class (weird in a cool way). Each person in the class never really knew everyone in the class, but the class was always united when it came to cramming, 5-minute preparations for a 15-minute presentation, hating that one teacher who never taught anything, laughing at each other’s kasabawan and bla bla bla. The class was unique: from having and not having Jun as part of the class to being transferred to a different classroom and being assigned back the old and cold classroom, everyday was different in R49.

I also met friends here (yehey for me!)! I remembered how shy I was when I first asked Sam for a piece of paper when we had our  first Lit 13 quiz or how hesitant I was to laugh at Nicko’s jokes during the first sem or how I always thought that Christine would kick my ass if I bumped her chair and many more scenarios. Who would have thought that I would be comfortable enough to show my true self (the loud-mouth, super hyper, brutal me) to them? Who would have thought that I would tease Christine and Sam to their own respective love interests? HMMMM.

No farewells after two sems? Hmmm.. Who said this is goodbye anyway? We’ll be seeing each other still. And I hope that we would be able to use the things we learned (En11 - still waiting, Lit 13- Short Story Analysis, En12- WRITING! Lit 14 - Poetry Appreciation).

See you around

*Ma’m! Akala ko na post ko na ‘to, saved as draft lang pala :|. Nung March 29 ko pa po ’to pinost (sana lumubas ung date) Wah… sayang bonus.. oh well

And so it ends

You have no idea how long I have waited for this day. I thought I was going to go mad waiting for its arrival. Of course, the fact that I was buried up to my neck (almost literally) in work helped to keep my mind off it but even a short lull in my work meant more longing for it.

       What am I talking about? Two things…

      1.The End of this school year

2    2. Summer

 

While I have been eagerly anticipating these two things I can’t say that I’m 100% enthusiastic. The prospect of staying in Manila for summer classes in this stifling heat doesn’t appeal much to me. But I think what bothers me more is the fact this year is over. Yes I’m happy, no question about it but approaching the end means doing something I have never been good at saying good bye.

 

But before we go to the sappy good byes, I have a few questions…

Do you know what makes English blocks different from all other classes?

Obviously with a little thought you come up with the answer that English blocks are basically a group of people attending what appears to be one lengthy and continous year long class. Yes it was purposely set up that way since both English and Literature are subjects that need a higher degree of interaction. Let’s face it you need better connections with the people in your class if you were to stage a play than say… study for an LT in zoo (or math/chem if you people prefer).

Here’s a fun little trivia. If you didn’t know used to be one day dedicated to getting to know your English blocks during Orsem. I could have imagined that… one awkward day with people I didn’t yet know but would later be called R49, but after one year with you guys maybe it might have been fun.

Anyway, what happened to this you ask?

It was decided to remove that day since they found it redundant. They observed that English blocks would bond together throughout the year anyway.

So… back to the sappy good byes…

All good things must come to an end and so while it pains me to say this, I bid adieu to my English block, R49.

 

This year has been an interesting one and R49 has been a big part of it. I hold many memories of this crazy bunch that I will be hard to forget.

 

The peaceful and conducive to sleep este learning atmosphere of En 11 and DEAR time. (Don’t deny)

The “research trips” to Cubao for our feature articles

The sudden rush of students to the library during Fridays for DEAR

The last minute/last second readings for Lit

The nosebleed moments from lit poems

The crazy last minute plays/presentations/reports

The trees we hurt for the paper we used for all our requirements

The lowered class population before Math LTs

The ring-binded books

The usage of wherein

The thoughtful ‘asaran’

The crazy ‘hirits’ (cough*junmoments*cough)

The beggars for ½ sheets of paper (guilty!!!)

The wonderful groupings (Wherein!!)

The blogging moments for En 12

The anonymous comments from superheroes

The outrage over losing CTC 102 and the rejoicing when we got it back

The comfortable albeit smelly CTC 102

And of course all the teachers (not to mention our “substitute” for En 11)

 

Ok, so we weren’t the best class academically but we have potential. However, for me it was the best and I wouldn’t have traded you guys for any other English block.

 

Unfortunately, time is bearing down on us and the end of our time together is here. Good bye R49

Today we part as classmates, but we will never part as friends… (At least I hope so)

Dealing with the Math

“Anything that involves math!” These simple few words were the answer I gave my parents a year and a half ago when they asked me what course I’d like to take in college alongside a radiant smile pasted on my face. So, I took a program that involves HARD-CORE math- MANAGEMENT ENGINEERING.

Was I planning on suicide when I decided to enroll myself in this course? This course includes a lot of hard-hitting math where the survival of the fittest is one of its challenges. In short, it’s one of the tough courses in the university and I already knew this even before the first day of college. But, I decided to brave the odds and see what lies ahead for me because after all, I felt enthusiastic with math.

There I was on the first day of college giddy as a child opening his colorfully wrapped presents for Christmas, along with so many questions in mind. Who are my teachers? What should I expect from the course? How will I be doing? What will be my study methods? How will the exams be? Even to simplest question of what to wear for school everyday? Or where to hang out during breaks? The questions just kept knocking on the doors of my mind waiting for a satisfying answer, but my mind couldn’t give an adequate answer. All it said was “Let’s wait and see.”

  The clock struck 12:30 pm and the bell rang. It was math time. As I hear the footsteps of the professor walking his way to the classroom, the excitement inside became more thrilled to start a semester of math. But, in an instant the excitement faded like a candle to its last wick. A TERROR TEACHER. Difficult exams and lots of late night bonding with the math book and the calculator- this images quickly overthrew most of the questions I had in mind a while ago. But, coming to my senses, I said at the back of my head, “I just have to study harder and let’s see… I think if I study, I can pull off with a good grade. I just have to take the challenge of a terror teacher.”

Long Test 1- 74

Long Test 2- 70 (what happened?!?!)

Long Test 3- 81 (a little improvement though)

It was shocking and terrible. I don’t know what happened. The moment I received my papers, it was just a sore sight to see. If I were to look back at my math performance in high school, long test 1 would be a failing grade, the second would crush the heart and the third one would already be depressing. These were not the grades I got back in high school. These were not the grades I set for myself. These were not the marks I wanted!

I thought I could go through college math feeling enthusiastic about it. But, I wasn’t. I thought that I could get A’s for every long test. But I didn’t. I thought that I could breezily sail through college math. But, I can’t.

The equations, functions and problems hit me hard telling me straight in the face that I can’t pull off college math using the same high school mathematical prowess. The feeling of wanting to just break down, cry and give up on trying to prove that the limit of the function as x approaches zero is equal to zero given this and that condition does not only happen once in a blue moon. It usually happens as often as the sun wakes up every morning to give the Earth its fair share of warmth and light. Sometimes I feel that I’ve lost the interest and eagerness to face those mathematical complexities that confront me. But, no matter how hard it was, I’m still surviving it (as of the moment I am) and what’s most important is that it has made me realize the valuable and hard truths about math and way beyond the scope of these numerical and quantitative problems.

Before I entered college, I was in love with math. I liked solving simultaneous equations. I liked factoring out equations. I liked to figure out those geometric figures. I liked to rattle my brain with mathematical formulas. I liked math over science or any subject. I liked everything about math.

I felt comfortable in the arms of numbers and equations. Some of my friends would usually question the use of math in business or in their future careers, but I didn’t. For me, math was going to be a major part of my future. I didn’t bother to welcome into my thoughts what my friends are saying about it. But, maybe I was too comfortable that I became too confident about it and college math was a bolt from the blue to me.

Fortunately, I have learned to take every matter seriously and not just any affair that I can easily breeze through. I have learned to humble myself from the thought that I can effortlessly deal with math. I was wrong when I said that I could do business with anything that involves math because it is one of my comfort zones. I guess I was at ease with math that I became too relaxed. And it got me thinking right now, where would I be standing right now if I didn’t have that eagerness the first day of college? Where would I be picking myself up at this moment? What would happen to me?

Looking back, I feel disappointed with my performance in college especially with math, but at the same time, I still consider myself lucky to still be surviving M.E.. And I give credit to hardwork, faith and a big help from my friends. Sure, math is does not easily love people back, but never give up on trying to win its heart. Just wait and see, your efforts will pay off. Maybe someday it will love you back.

Death

Death is never a happy thing,  But it’s natural and inevitable for all living things. As a Catholic, I believe that in dying, the soul will either go to heaven, purgatory or hell. It’s the end of our borrowed life, the end of earthly pain and sufferings and the start of the promise of God: eternal life. It sounds great right? Anyone who went through the experience of losing a loved one  would disagree.

If you think about it, funerals are held not for the deceased loved one but for the living who lost their loved one. It’s their way of moving on or accepting the death of their loved one. The funeral has no use whatsoever for the dead (because praying for the dead could be done anywhere).  Though a funeral (in a sick way) could be seen as some sort of a party (food, gambling, drinking, more food, sleepover etc.), going through it (specially being the “host” of the funeral) is one experience that I would like to avoid.

My first experience of losing a loved one happened when I was just an innocent 7 year old boy -  it was my big brother. There was a typhoon then and our house was flooded by floodwater. We had a machine to pump out the water out of the house. It was a freak accident and it happened so fast. Before sleeping, I remember saying goodnight to kuya and when I woke up, my mom was crying beside me. She said kuya fell while trying to operate the machine and hit his head on the table. I remember arriving at the hospital hours later and there I saw the body of my brother: pale, lifeless and it had cotton balls stuck on his nose to stop the blood from flowing out. When we arrived at the funeral home, I remembered sleeping while waiting for the coffin with my kuya’s body. And when it finally arrived, that was only the time that I started crying. I would never forget that moment: my father, my sister, my mother and I standing beside the coffin, looking at my kuya’s body and crying. That experience is a blur to me because I was still a kid. And everytime people would recall the story of my brother’s death, they would say that one moment I was crying so hard and then after a few minutes, I was playing and laughing. A kid is a kid afterall.

Life went on its course without my brother. Then when I was in second year high-school, my grandfather died. This time, it was different from my brother’s death. He was diagnosed with lung cancer and it was too late to cure him. So we had time to prepare ourselves before he passed away. The first thing I noticed during my grandfather’s wake is that the atmosphere is lighter compared to my brother’s wake. Maybe because my grandfather’s death is not sudden but still, we were extremely sad. It was the second time on less than eight years that a beloved family member died.

Last Thursday after my chemistry class, I received a text message from my cousin saying that our tita just died. This instantly brought tears to my eyes and I instantly called my cousin and I even asked him if he was joking. Of course he was not joking because death is no laughing matter. After a few minutes, I rushed to the funeral home (the same funeral home where my brother and my grandfather’s wake were held) to find my cousin staring blankly at the wall; still shocked on what happened to his mother. We got the same funeral chapel where my grandfather’s wake was held and it was like a replay of all the sad things that happened to our family barely 4 years ago. It was the third time in less than 11 years that a beloved family member died.

Being just 17 years old and having experienced three deaths of a family member, I realized some things. For one, kids do not really understand death or they can not comprehend the full  meaning of death. When I came to the wake yesterday, I found my nephews and nieces running and playing around the funeral chapel like nothing bad happened. When I had the chance to speak with one of my nieces about the death (of her grandmother), her voice didn’t have a hint of sadness and even exclaimed that my tita (her grandmother) was old. Another instance was when my other nephew (about four years old) looked inside the coffin to see his grandmother, he muttered the word “mama” like he used to call her when she was still alive. Was I really like this when my brother died? Innocent to all what’s happening?  Uncaring even? But then again, you can not stop a child from being a child.                          

Another thing I realized must be the saddest thing I’ve realized about death; that everyone will go through the pain of losing a loved one. And that the more people you love, the more times that you are going to feel the pain of losing a loved one. The more you love a person, the more painful it is gonna feel when you lose him. It’s sad, unclear and a little unfair but it is life and life is everything but clear.

The word “death”  has many negative connotations. But we must remember that death is inevitable and it is part of life (rather the end of life). It’s never fun for the living loved ones left but it is a mystery for the one that experienced death. Death is a mystery and it’s very unclear. One moment, a person may be healthy and another, death might just come knocking on his door.